Every First Day is Hard...

Today I still feel broken...I think it'll change when he talks to me...but by this point idk...I dont feel like we are even together anymore...and it hurts....I feel alone...I know I can't say anything to him, because he felt the same way in the past....and for me to come and say hey I feel this way fix it...well that's just not right or fair....I find myself listening to these really sad miserable songs. I try to write and always find it tracking down this tearful upsetting road...I don't want to loose him...it's been an entire year now...but a part of me does wonder..like he said...what's our future hold..? does it hold he and I? or am i just filling us both with false hope and fantasies...at night I cry to God..hoping he will hear my prayers...and help me. and sometimes I feel his love and support and He does help...other times I feel broken, let down...and alone and hurt...When I become the last priority it hurts....when my mind starts racing and I think untrue things I break and shatter...my body has become like a painted and stained piece of glass, being placed within the church windows. I am terrified that I will not make it to the finished product though...being glass, I can easily be broken. Easily cracked. I must be held gently and easily, held lightly yet firm, so that I dont slip...I can also hurt the beholder. Slice them, time and time again. How many times will they be cut until they finally say it's a lost bet and release me to fall until I shatter completely...? My mind is so dark...so full of hurt and broken pieces...of blood from my holder and lover...so full of fear of being left alone for no purpose...people ask me if im okay...I always change the subject...I know if I say a word I will burst into tears and even now, I am on my knees thinking on all that has happened over the year. all we've been through...throwing it away would be silly...but im not worth fighting when my holder can simply make a new piece so if he feels letting me go is best then I have to understand that right?

The only thing I can say right now is that Ik someone, somewhere sees the damage...they can see the cold dark place Im in...and they will help me...they will hold me as the tears fall. They will pick me up after my good cry and fallen sky. They will carry me along, and protect me, until I can stand again on my own...until that day, I simply must pray and ask God to send that angel soon as he can....because my strength is failing, and slipping, and my days are growing lonely and hurtful...I write or let it out...and once i do i simply feel empty...hollow within. to tired to continue on....to tired to care. the only thing i can say...there's going to be another day....until then, i'll sit here and wait for it to come. ~Sincerly, Rose